eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

2012-02-28T02:11:00.000-08:00

when you place your palm on my head when i place my left cheek against your right shoulder and you gently stroke through my hair, it gives me the shivers in the deepest of crannies and nooks. you electrocute my nerves, electrify my soul, set me alight with a single touch.

4:04AM Error: Sleep Not Found

2012-02-23T12:42:00.001-08:00

think I'm going through another insomnia phase. it's Friday, 4AM now. the last time I slept was at Thursday, 6AM and I had to wake up at 11AM to go to work, so I only had 5 hours of sleep. then 10 hours of work. believe me, I am exhausted.

just unable to go to sleep. I lie down on my bed and all I do is toss and turn for hours.

was contemplating to delete the previous 2 posts, because they are such unhappy ones, but decided to keep them... for when I am older. every time I read my previous blogs, I always think, "how stupid was I?!" I don't think I'll ever stop thinking that. I mean right now I think I sound very intelligent or something, but a year from now, I'll think I was the stupidest ever.

anyway since I couldn't sleep, I decided to be productive. VOILA! ✐

haven't played with watercolors for the longest time! am quite pleased with how it turned out. :-) :-) :-)

anyway, the latest news:

have quit working at Artbox & might be shifting back to my first job; Fotohub~
Sam gave me his Diana F+ and then GP so kindly donated me a fisheye lens & a close-up/wide angle lens to use with the Diana... yay! should be collecting my first roll of photos soon. keeping my expectations low, because it's my first time using the Diana, & according to everyone on the Internet, the first few rolls are bound to suck (or not). fingers crossed!
also, my uncle told me he still has a few packs of 120 film, albeit expired. but it's okay, I can use those packs for practice!
seems like I'll be enrolling to NAFA this year. not very confident for the entrance test, but I am going to believe in myself (for once)... X_X

that's all. I was going to post about the mini-adventure I had a few days ago at Chinatown with Sammy (it was an adventure because I discovered a lot of new places. HAHA) but I think I'll wait for the photos I took with the Diana to come back first... ~

4:41AM, still wide awake. sigh.

2012-02-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

night after night
day after day
would you watch my body weaken
my mind drift away?

-

it is at times like these that I wonder, what am I really chasing for? is it love, or companionship? is this why I constantly long for the past, because I had someone to sleep next to at night (and it always hurt the most at night), someone to hold me and keep me together? is this why I dread the future so much, because I know I will be lonely for many more years?

no, no. I don't have to wonder. I know. you are what I need. a meaningful connection. a serious commitment. no pretenses, or hidden motives. pure. clean. simple. beautiful. this is good.

but this is not what I want.

for now.

for now, I want a meaningless fling, where there are no real emotions involved. no commitment. nothing serious. all casual. no risks at all, no chance of getting bruised.

don't get me wrong. it's not that I don't love you at all, or anything like that. I do.

I just don't think I am ready for such an... intense relationship.

2012-02-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

I think one of the (many) things I appreciate (the most) about Sam is that he's not one of those superficial, shallow type of men. somehow whenever I'm around him it's difficult to feel ugly, because he's always going on about how beautiful I am, even when I don't have a scrap of make-up on. but, y'know that famous quote from this lady writer, who said something about how once you really love someone, all their physical imperfections just disappear, and you don't notice them anymore, because it doesn't matter - it's true, because I don't think I've ever seen anyone as perfect as Sam, and I know he thinks I'm perfect too.

exorcism

2012-02-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

( because I have let myself mourn for too long. because I am not giving myself a chance to start life anew, without you. because I am not giving Sam a chance. because I have worn myself out completely, overanalyzing our relationship, wondering too much about what-ifs and could-haves and because ever since we've been apart, I've just been drifting in a haze, not really awake, not really asleep. this has all got to stop. )

18 jan 2010.

our first date. we had dinner at pastamania. I met you at the park between our houses - you lived only a street away (how convenient) - and you were shy. you walked really fast, keeping a distance ahead of me. I got so annoyed, that I grabbed you by the arm and forced you to walk by my side. after dinner, we sat at the open plaza, and we talked. I dared you to kiss me, but you were so shy. when you sent me home, you plucked up the courage to kiss me on the cheek - but you missed and kissed my ear instead. I always made fun of you for that.

03 feb 2010.

I met you at KFC at about 6pm for dinner. I just got back from an excursion, so I was in my school uniform, while you were already changed. you kept pestering me for an answer. "so, will you go out with me or not?" I told you, I'll tell you when I'm done eating. when I was done, I told you, I'll tell you when we are on our way home. eventually I couldn't stall any longer. on the road back to my place, you asked, "weiling, will you be my girlfriend?"

I didn't even had to say a word. I held your hand in mine, and we smiled at each other.

-

things were wonderful. our first kiss was at pasir ris park. I snuck out after midnight to meet you, and we walked there. we sat down on the breakwater, and you held me close to you. you kept whispering, "I'm so happy," and "I'm so lucky to have you," and I thought, "jackpot!" I kissed you first. and you were so shy that you quickly turned your head away, but eventually you kissed me again.

we watched the sun rise.

-

after a few months, you drifted away. I kept breaking up with you. you canceled dates, or you forgot dates. we were supposed to meet on your birthday, but you canceled on me the last minute to go out with your friends. on my birthday, there was nothing planned, and you got for me chocolates - even though I hated chocolates. and there was the whole fiasco with that other girl. on the last day of 2010, I rushed to meet you after I ended work. I really wanted to watch the fireworks, and I really wanted to just end 2010 and start 2011 with you. but as soon as the fireworks ended, your friends were all calling you, asking you to go drinking with them, and you just went.

I remained unhappy. on our first year anniversary, it was chinese new year as well. so, since there was nowhere to go according to you, you went drinking with your friends again.

I think it was somewhere around this period we had a really big argument, and I was going to leave for good. you wised up, and begged me not to go, told me this time you'll be good. and because I loved you, I stayed. and it was true - you were good. I started staying at your place. sleeping next to you, and waking up next to you every day. we went to USS, and you took such good care of me. we went to Genting, and I was sick. I remembered for both of the nights, I had to go back to the hotel, because I was feeling so drowsy and nauseous. I told you that you didn't have to go back with me, that you should just continue to play with the rest - I'll just get some sleep alone. but no, you were worried about me, and you took me back. made me laugh. kept me company. made me better.

this time, it was me who ruined everything. I was scared that the happiness wouldn't last, was afraid that you were going to revert to your old ways. so I ran away. I broke your heart. I don't know why I did what I did. honestly I do regret it.

but what's done is done. I was stupid, reckless and impulsive. I wasn't even fucking thinking! and so I ruined all possibilities of a beautiful future, and I ruined myself for a while. even dragged Sam down with me.

it has been 8 months. unexpectedly, I fell in love with Sam. but the ghost of you still remains. it is hurting the relationship I have with Sam, and I am hurting Sam so much because of that. I really just wish to just expel you completely from my memories. I just want to forget. I can't, though.

but I have had enough of this... and with this, I am going to move forward to a new life without you.

here's to new beginnings.

2012-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

I no longer want to count the weeks that I've been without you. as each week pass, cells in my body die off and are replaced by ones that have never felt your touch, your breath, the vibrations of your voice. eventually, I will be brand new. perhaps clean.

soft & sweet

2012-02-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

[in the first photo] Sam got very cross with me when I deleted a few photos he took of me as I sat opposite him. I never understood why he kept wanting to take my photos, and it's something we always end up bickering about... and I always thought he was being unreasonable, refusing to understand that I really could not see myself as 'beautiful' in any way (even if he thought I was), refusing to understand that I was incredibly self-conscious and insecure.

until I read this:

I wasn’t used to dating someone who loved taking pictures of everything and who often times enjoyed taking pictures of me. I was strictly a Photobooth-in-private sort of person and somehow I remember shying away from ‘real’ cameras often. I’m not sure though, sometimes my memory fails me. But I ended up dating someone who was an avid photographer and who literally carried (and still does) a camera with him at all times.

I was especially shy in the beginning months and sometimes I would get angry. Huffing and snapping, getting frustrated at the fact that he couldn’t understand that I wasn’t anywhere near being a model and that more often than not, I was not up for having my photo taken. Sometimes when he would agree and back off with a kiss to my forehead, I would wonder why I hated it so much. Was it because I was afraid what he would see through the lens would be a letdown of what I feel like he should be seeing? Was it because he appreciates things all aesthetic and maybe the aesthetics he appreciate wouldn’t really translate through plastic and glass? Maybe that I’m not photogenic at all unless through Photobooth? I wasn’t sure what it was but I would groan and pout when he had a great idea to do in the comfort of our own home or against a blank wall in our neighborhood.

‘Morgan….No….’ I would say and the look of disappointment would wash over his features and I would feel like the world’s literal worst girlfriend. So most times, I would awkwardly comply and stand too stiffly, shy my face away, barely smile or frown. He asked if I wanted to see them and I would always answer ‘no’ and skip up the stairs or hurriedly busy myself with something else. I never wanted to see what I looked like. Ever.

And yet there are times where I let my guard down and my vanity slip a little and I comfortably let him take what he wants. And there are times where I see how he translates me through a shutter and a click and I remember how fucking wonderful he is at what he does.

I forget that it’s a huge part of who he is and what he’s passionate about out of my own vanity and my own defiant selfishness and sometimes I remember that he’s inviting me into a part of what he loves. And to him, it’s something intimate.

I always seem to forget the most important things. Always.

(by Ethaney, who can be found on Tumblr & Blogspot)

don't think there is more to be said.

♡

2012-02-09T11:36:00.000-08:00

right now, I am desperate to hold you but we are on opposite ends of the country, so instead I lay down on my bed and let out a million sighs and cries. there is a whole basketful of reasons why I can't sleep at night, but the biggest one, is that if I could choose to be wherever I want to be, I'd choose the place next to you - but we can't always be together, especially not at night. being away from you hurts me; missing you is equivalent to fifty punches to the gut. but missing you is also equivalent to that feeling you get what something really good happens - because I know I'd be seeing you again, and that excites me more than anything. it's a really strange thing, because half of me is torn to bits and the other half is busy having a countdown party.

I'm trying really hard right now to communicate all my feelings for you into words, but I've come to realize that words can never come close to describe even a fraction of my feelings. that's okay though - I know you understand, even without words.

on a random note

2012-02-05T02:27:00.000-08:00

my owl tank-top looks so happy among the rest of the clothes drying outside.

2012-02-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

if I told you things I did before

told you how I used to be

would you go along with someone like me?

if you knew my story word for word

had all of my history

would you go along with someone like me?

I did before and had my share

it didn't lead nowhere

I would go along with someone like you

it doesn't matter what you did

who you were hanging with

we could stick around and see this night through

usually when things has gone this far

people tend to disappear

no-one will surprise me unless you do

I can tell there's something going on

hours seem to disappear

everyone is leaving; I'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do

where we are going to

we can stick around and see this night through

meh

2012-02-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

(note: finished my post and then... it disappeared. wtf. too lazy to go into details again. so here's a very half-arsed post. enjoy!)

my favorite spot in my room. whenever I look at it, can't help but smile. :-)

plus, my collection of books right underneath. for the past few days, I've been re-reading Murakami's works.

haven't been up to much. I'm either at work, at home, or out with Sam. and experiencing a "teenage-life crisis", in the sense that I have no idea what to do with my life now, at all. it's just that everything seems pointless to me right now. not the right mindset to have, I know. working on getting myself back up.

to celebrate my uncle's birthday, the entire family went to have dinner outside. AND I FINALLY HAD MY BLACK PEPPER CRAB!!! ♡♡♡♡♡ been craving it for ages!

pictures pictures~

I WANT HER COMPLEXION. UGH. PUBERTY, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HAPPEN???

I need to snap back to reality.

kith

2012-01-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

met Sam on a Monday afternoon for lunch, and we both had breakfast food. oh, and we both died while walking to Kith's from City Hall/walking back - weather was murder, murder, murder.

I probably am going to keep saying this - I really love how I can just talk to Sam about anything, and not feel ashamed or afraid in any way... and I love how our conversations flow so naturally, and there is never any awkwardness.

as the quote from Pulp Fiction best sums it up: "why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? that's when you know you've found somebody special. when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

never imagined that I could find someone who I can enjoy silence with. lucky me. :-)

and he's still happily playing with his new toy.

get real get right

2012-01-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

can hardly believe she's already nine.

scratch that - can hardly believe I'm turning 18 this year.

late night thoughts

2012-01-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

as per the norm with starting a new blog, I will launch a series of posts in a frenzy before my enthusiasm dies down and posts slowly peter out, and my blog becomes a desolate wasteland.

digressing, it is 4:30am now. can't sleep. will regret this in the afternoon when I meet Sam, but I still stay up. #logicfail

been thinking about what to do this year. to go back to school, or not? to focus on building up a business, or to focus on getting a diploma? to do what makes me happy, or to do what makes my parents happy? what kind of career do I want to get into? what do I really want to do? do I even have potential for anything? so on and forth. tomorrow would be the JAE posting results. if I don't get into a polytechnic course, should I appeal, or chuck aside the idea of school altogether?

*frustrated*

instead of using my table, I utilize my bed as a table. [and my floor as a chair.] what's on my table? a mess of notebooks, novels, postcards, letters, bottles, and for now, angbaos. (received $450 in total, woop)

and while re-arranging my notebooks, I found this ;-)

best present I've received ever. and I cried for a bit. very overwhelmed with emotions whenever I think of what Sam has done for me over the past few months. moments like these where I feel extremely bad... I'm the type of girlfriend that likes to mercilessly tease my boyfriend (I do mean mercilessly). so I throw a lot of insults at him (which I obviously don't mean) and constantly take jabs at him. and he doesn't like it. so he's always getting hurt by me.....

pokerface.jpg

oh well. he claims that I make him the happiest he has ever been though, and is always jabbering about how he is the luckiest man in the world, so I guess he's just a masochist.

HAHAHAHA OK, SAM I'M JUST KIDDING. :*

if he's the luckiest man in the world, then I'm the luckiest person EVER.

konichiwa

2012-01-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

by the time 2012 ends, I think I would have 10+ blogs under my name. always creating a new blog - itchy fingers, I figure.

1:22am now. 12 hours ago, I just met Sam at town. had lunch at Soup Spoon, before settling down at Cat's Socrates, where he made a new (girl?) friend.

meet frog.

rule #1 when you make a friend: do NOT [attempt to] eat them.

"I made a new friend!"

and falling asleep with new friend. aw.

hoot hoot.

Sam's new baby.

faaaaat faaaaace :(

why so handsome *_*

lazed around for ages, and would have continued to, if Sam wasn't whining about restlessness. so we traipsed around Bugis until I had to go home, and...

I'll be seeing him again in a few more hours. 8) haven't been able to meet him for about a week, so now that he finally is free enough, making use of every opportunity there is to spend time together before his schedule gets all hectic again...

anyway, I was feeling a bit moody - stumbled across one of my previous blogs and reminded of the ex-boyfriend. oh well. it just unsettles me whenever I come across these photos, because... it's so weird, how we used to be so inseparable. we slept together at night, and woke up together in the morning. then I either go to school, or spend the rest of the day with him. and when I go to school, I immediately go back to him. it's like we were married. our lives were so closely interwoven. and now we're strangers, both in love with different people. it's weird. it just is.

it makes me feel terribly scared too, about Sam. scared that one day I would wake up and - like what happened with the previous - not feel the same way anymore. or that it would be him waking up and not feeling the same way anymore. it happened before, why won't it happen again? of course the circumstances are vastly different + I've matured and learnt how to better handle my relationship. the biggest difference is that Sam cares. both of us care about making our relationship last.

yet there is still some insecurity, some paranoia - even though I shouldn't have any, because I was the one that cheated (long story), not him. but that's exactly why - what if he suddenly realized he can't stand to be with a cheater, and leaves me? or something like that.

can't stop thinking, worrying, fearing for the worse.